My Secret BulIy

It is not OK to cut others down.

This book asks kids to think about what makes a good friend and how to be a good friend. It also lets kids know it’s OK and important to seek a trusted adult when they are experiencing relational (friendship) bullying. Positive self-speak can make a child feel secure and good about him/herself. It can cloak them like a super-hero cape with sayings such as: I am unique and I am worthy! I am lovable and creative! I am good at many things!

My Secret Bully is the story of how Monica’s friend, Katie, bullies her with betrayal and social isolation. With the support and advice of her mother, Monica learns to reclaim her power and positive sense of self.

Monica experiences relational bullying. Relational bullying refers to “acts of emotional bullying hidden among tightly knit networks of friends”. Instead of using fists to hit or feet to kick, relational bullying includes “under the radar” actions like spreading rumors, intimidating and humiliating, excluding and ignoring, back-stabbing and manipulation. Instead of being a friend, kids can find themselves in a situation with a “freinemy”. These behaviors are often devastating to a child’s self-esteem and their sense of social belonging. Stomachaches, headaches, depression, anxiety and school avoidance are telltale signs of victimization and bullying.

As a parent, it is often hard to know what is happening at school. In this story, Monica’s mom noticed her daughter’s sudden increase in stomachaches and started asking her what was going on at school. By showing her concern and being persistent in asking what was wrong, Monica’s mother demonstrated asset #1: Family Support. Monica felt loved, cared for, appreciated and accepted. The idea of support is like a safety net holding you up in different ways.

Whether your child is a target, a bystander or the instigator of relational aggression, YOU can help them deal with the situation with these suggestions:

• Bring the secret of peer abuse out in the open. Let your child know that they are not alone in their feelings and that everyone belongs.

• When your child asks for help, be a thoughtful listener and remind them of the tools they possess to deal with the situation.

• Listen without interrupting and reassure your child that bullying is a difficult problem and they are not alone. Ask them what kind of help they need. Sometimes just sharing the problem helps young people figure out what to do.

• Role play and offer suggestions of how they can respond to bullying behavior.

• Talk to your child’s most important asset builder at school—their teacher!

Keep the lines of positive family communication open. Enlist other family members to provide support for your child. Together you will help to hold the “support blanket” for your child and make the world feel safer and more caring.

For more information on Project Cornerstone please or the 41 defined Developmental Assets that help keep our kids not at-risk, visit www.projectcornerstone.org or www.search-institute.org